I was digging in the dark corners of my hard drive (that sounds... um... wrong...) and found this... I *think* I wrote it, it sounds like me, but I'm not sure about that. Figured the UCAP gang would appreciate it, though... enjoy
IF THE FEDERAL AVIATION ADMINISTRATION WAS IN CHARGE OF FOOD SAFETY...
Jan. 1, 2012: Three people are reported to be sick with salmonella poisoning in Topeka, KS.
Jan. 2: Two more people are reported ill. All five people ate at a "Joe Bob's Rusty Cow Palace and Burger Emporium" restaurant in Topeka, KS.
Jan. 3: The FAA issues an emergency order that all cattle in the USA should be inspected immediately for corrosion, corrective action be taken, and the results reported to the nearest FSDO. Two more people are reported to have contracted salmonella, again after eating at the Topeka Joe Bob's.
Jan 4: FAA inspectors visit Joe Bob's Rusty Cow Palace and Burger Emporium in Topeka. Joe Bob's food service license is the subject of an emergency revocation letter. Three more people become ill, all of whom have recently eaten at the restaurant.
Jan. 5: The FAA declares 40-mile "security TFRs" (Temporary Food Restrictions) around all hamburger restaurants nationwide. Eating is banned in all major US cities, except when approved and coordinated with the US Secret Service, Disney Corportation, or Major League Baseball.
Jan. 8: It is learned that there is no such person as Joe Bob.
Jan. 9: Three FAA inspectors who reported to management that there is no actual Joe Bob are fired and added to the Terror Watch List.
Jan. 10: Scary Mary Schaivo goes on CNN prime-time to tell the world that everyone in America is most likely going to die from salmonella poisoning within the next two days.
Jan. 12: The FAA and FBI seize a Joe Bob's restaurant in Phoenix, AZ after it was reported that they had falsified documents. It is learned during the raid that a fire extinguisher is two days overdue for its yearly routine inspection, after the inspector blew a tire while driving to the restaurant. The FAA responds by arresting the managers of the facility and charging them with terrorism. The inspector is promptly sent to the military confinement camp in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba as are several mechanics at his tire shop.
Jan. 11: The Food Inspector's Union claims that the Joe Bob illnesses are a direct result of the FAA's complete unwillingness to negotiate on a new contract, and the stress of being understaffed. The FAA responds that their inspectors are the best in the world, but are demanding unreasonable things from the taxpayers.
Jan. 20: The FAA asks Congress for $800 million in "emergency funding" to cover the costs of the Joe Bob investigation.
Jan. 25: AOPA announces that Freedom of Information Act requests have revealed that 119,842,129 people have violated the TFRs and are facing strict enforcement action since Jan. 5. The FAA proudly points out that the TFRs are necessary and effective, as no new salmonella cases have been reported since Jan. 5. MSNBC reports that the FAA has been successfully fighting back the salmonella outbreak.
Feb. 11: The FAA reports that the source of the outbreak is still unclear, but that they are "quite confident that it has something to do with Joe Bob's".
Feb. 14: Mayor Richard Daley in Chicago detonates a 10-megaton thermonuclear bomb on the former site of Meigs Field, killing 2.7 million people and injuring 4 million more. When asked why he did it, he says he wanted to clear the area for a dog park for his toy poodle.
Feb. 20: The FAA, facing mounting pressure from starving members of Congress, announces a "quick eating" program in which consumers willing to undergo additional screening will be permitted to eat. The screening involves a thorough background check, orifice checks, blood tests, documentation of family ancestry to eight generations back, and a verbal statement that nobody unknown to the eater has given them any unknown articles of food.
Feb. 22: Undeterred by the obliteration of downtown Chicago, a special election is held as scheduled. Mayor Daley is re-elected to office with 39.8 million votes for vs. 309 votes against.
Feb. 24: 309 people are found dead in the bottom of the crater left by the Meigs Field bomb. Mayor Daley releases a brief statement saying the incident is "unfortunate... I'll send flowers".
March 3: The FAA discovers that everyone who became ill had consumed diet root beer delivered to the Topeka Joe Bob's restaurant on December 28. Accordingly, the FAA immediately issues a stop-sale order on all products nationwide containing the word "diet", "root", or "beer" in their names, as well as on all carbonated beverages.
March 4: Massive rioting breaks out over the nationwide banning of beer, killing tens of thousands of people. Every Joe Bob's in the country is burned down by angry mobs.
March 5: The FAA administrator requests tactical nuclear strikes on cities nationwide, to stop the bloodshed over the lack of beer. The president refuses, but not before signing an executive order encouraging the nation's breweries to rapidly increase production of non-carbonated, non-diet, non-root-based hard liquors.
March 10: The FAA issues a new order, restoring the sale of most beer but halting the sale of diet beers. The rioting continues, as breweries are caught in the midst of a conversion to hard liquor manufacture and cannot quickly supply non-diet beer to stores.
March 12: The FAA issues a third order, banning diet root products, diet beer, and diet root beer, and establishing new guidelines on the sale of regular beer, root beer, and root canals. The AOPA issues an immediate request for time to study the new proposal, which is denied by the FAA.
March 15: The AOPA announces that it is moving from Frederick, MD to Ethiopia to take advantage of the friendlier food climate there.
March 21: The FAA, responding to criticisms of thousands of people starving in every major city due to the TFRs, reduces them to a 38 mile radius. They also add a 48-hour food training course for affected people to be permitted to chew within the outer 35-mile radius ring.
April 1: The FAA announces that the crisis is nearing an end.
April 3: The FAA announces that to prevent future outbreaks, they are issuing over 12 thousand new regulations concerning the design, manufacturing, sale, and inspection of diet root beer.
April 29: A junior high school student in Bumblefart, OK tells his political science teacher that he thinks that Al-Qaeda is responsible for planting the salmonella. He is promptly arrested and sent to Guantanamo, and the FAA bans all junior high students from taking political science classes.
May 3: The TFRs are rescinded over most cities, citing the reduced security threat posed since the majority of the populations within them have long since died of starvation.
June 5: USA Today publishes a story claiming that the FAA knew there was salmonella in Topeka as early as two months before the first case was reported.
June 6: The FAA fires 14,249 employees believed to be readers of USA Today.
June 30: A diet root beer is thrown at the president during a commencement address at the Sam Houston Institute of Technology. The entire student body, staff, and guests at the ceremony are sent to Guantanamo Bay and all recordings of the ceremony are classified. The FAA and Secret Service immediately ban audiences from all presidential speeches.
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